Have you walked in on your husband watching porn one too many times? Perhaps you found his extensive porn browsing history on his phone or computer and have concerns. Pornography has never been easier to access than it is these days. It is literally under our fingertips at all times, and its temptation is tough to avoid when it’s so readily available.
The first thing to understand is that what you may consider an “addiction” to porn is probably not a true addiction in the medical sense. Your husband’s porn usage is likely just a habit, one which feels like too much or too frequent for your comfort. And that’s good news, because a habit is easier to adjust and manage once you understand what’s behind it.
Why Men Use Porn
The key concept to understand is that pornography usage is actually not about porn itself. You need to get to the underlying context, the root cause that led to your husband’s reliance on porn. Porn is serving a particular need in your husband, and creates feelings in him which he has been unable to get elsewhere or at least doesn’t know how to achieve outside of porn.
The most common reasons for a reliance on porn are:
- Fulfilling a fantasy that your husband is embarrassed by, or at least is uncomfortable sharing
- Gaining a sense of control, where your husband is free of judgment whether real or perceived
- Mechanical or physical reasons. A hand will always be able to provide more pressure and sensation than a vagina
- Avoiding partner intimacy for any number of reasons, but still needing to satisfy sexual urges
3 Therapeutic Suggestions For Processing Your Husband’s Porn Habit
1. Be Curious And Empathic Instead Of Shaming
Make an attempt to understand what purpose porn serves in your husband’s life. Then work on ways to substitute emotional and physical intimacy in its place. A good place to begin this process is to have an honest conversation. Express a sincere curiosity to understand your husband’s motivations.
Keep in mind he may be embarrassed or not ready to talk right away. Be patient, empathetic, and reassuring. If he feels he won’t be judged, shamed, or blamed, he will be far more likely to open up and have a frank discussion with you.
Here’s an example of how you can begin the conversation with calm and honesty:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been turning to porn more frequently over the last few months and I think it’s important for us to talk about it. I don’t mind if it’s an occasional occurrence but it seems like we’re drifting apart and you’re less interested in me sexually. Can we talk about what’s going on so we can get our relationship back on track?”
2. Explore Your Own Feelings About Porn
If you tend to only have negative feelings about pornography, try to pinpoint why that’s the case. Does it make you feel insecure about your body or how attractive you are? Are your attitudes toward sex more traditional and conservative? Perhaps you’d be open to watching some porn together with your husband under certain circumstances? Acknowledge and process your own feelings before discussing porn with your husband. This will make for a more productive conversation and will ensure both of you are part of the problem-solving process.
3. Ask Your Partner To Share Their Own Feelings About Porn
Typically, married men have mixed feelings about porn. On one hand it’s something they want to do, but may experience feelings of shame or frustration with their own actions. The tug of war between these feelings is why it’s a complex and difficult issue to resolve. But rest assured, this is all perfectly normal and common.
Make sure you’re both at ease when embarking on conversations about sensitive topics such as porn. I’d also advise against using words like “porn addiction”. It’s harsh and judgmental and will likely put your spouse on the defensive.
With a deeper understanding of what’s behind your husband’s porn habit, you will be better able to work toward meeting your mutual emotional and physical needs. Some couples with whom I’ve worked have been able to explore the role pornography can play within their marriage. Others have agreed on boundary setting, allowing the husband to continue watching porn within reasonable limits while also rebuilding a deeper connection with his wife and strengthening their relationship. Of course, in some cases porn was enough of an issue that we had to discuss how to eliminate its use all together.
When To Get Therapy
Frequent porn usage itself is not an issue which requires therapy. For many, porn is a form of escape and entertainment which doesn’t pose a threat to the relationing. However, if your husband’s porn habit results in a sexless marriage, physical and emotional rejection, and any other impasses which put the health of your relationship at risk, it’s time to seek out therapy.
A couples therapist will help guide you through difficult conversations you and your spouse may not be able to manage by yourselves. A therapist will also equip you with useful communication skills you can employ in your daily lives to help rebuild a stronger emotional and sexual connection.
