Is your relationship with your spouse marked by hostility or passive-aggressive behavior? Are you struggling with feelings of frustration, anger, or disdain? These feelings are typical signs of resentment in your relationship. Resentment in marriage usually builds up over time from unresolved conflicts, unmet needs and perceived unfairness. Failure to resolve disagreements, traumas, misalignments, and other tense moments in your relationship tend to fester and become worse with time.
Healing from resentment is difficult and takes time. This is because after years of conflict or avoidance, the issues tend to multiply and permeate other struggles in the relationship. That’s why it’s important to catch and address marital resentments early, before they snowball into broader conflicts. Let’s take a look at 5 common signs of resentment in marriage and how you can resolve them.
What Causes Resentment In Marriage?
There are many factors which can cause resentment within your marriage. For some, past traumas or negative experiences in previous relationships can affect current feelings and behaviors. Other times, you may ignore difficulties with communication or connection or dealt with improperly. Unmet emotional or physical needs further drive a wedge between partners.
It’s worth noting that couples who love each other deeply and are committed to one another can still hold grudges and feel resentment toward each other. Feelings are very complicated and usually illogical. This is an important concept to explore because this sustaining love can be used to renew connection and motivate couples to heal resentment and move towards forgiveness.
When stuck in a negative communication rut, most people are quick to criticize their partner and reluctant to offer positive reinforcement. The carrot usually works better than the stick, even you’re frustrated and feel you can hardly speak with your spouse without getting angry. The best way to reverse a negative pattern is to replace it with a more positive one.
5 Common Signs Of Resentment In Marriage
Resentment in marriage can manifest in a number of ways. Some of the most common signs of resentment in a marriage are:
- Rumination on negative events
- Avoiding time with your spouse
- Decrease in sexual intimacy between partner
- Feelings of anger
- Inability to forgive
Break The Cycle Of Resentment With Effective Communication
In order to break the cycle of resentment, both partners must have an open and honest conversation about the state of the marriage, what dynamics led to negative feelings, and how to try and resolve these issues. Each partner needs to acknowledge past mistakes and hurts and both must be willing to participate in the process of repairing the relationship.
When you engage in effective communication with your spouse, you must be able to share and receive feedback, even if it is uncomfortable or painful. This process is not about venting or airing out grievances. It is about sharing feelings, reactions, and triggers and transforming this knowledge into actions. Once you identify what hasn’t been working well in your relationship, you can both work toward establishing better patterns and dynamics and healing resentment in your marriage for good.
Tackle One Issue At A Time
In order to heal resentment in the most productive way, you should only tackle one issue at a time. Begin by writing down a few issues that are a priority for each of you to fix in the marriage. Together, identify what’s most critical to address first. Many times, when you fix one or two key issues which are the root causes of resentment, you’ll find that other issues diminish or become easier to fix.
By dealing with one issue at a time, you will give yourselves the time and space to go deep, process and take corrective actions. On the other hand, tackling multiple problems at once will likely muddy the waters and lead to chaotic or unproductive attempts at healing. This will lead to further frustration and resentment about the lack of progress you’re making. Save yourselves the needless aggravation and work together on one issue at a time.
Most Couples Can Overcome Resentment
Modern marriages come with very high expectations. Oftentimes, there’s a need for both couples to work outside the home, share housework and child rearing responsibilities and be each other’s lovers, friends and support systems. What used to take a village now falls on the shoulders of both partners. It’s no wonder many couples begin to crack under so much pressure, and this is when resentment starts creeping in.
If you and your spouse are willing to be vulnerable, open, and empathetic toward each other, you should be able to heal your relationship. Many couples find that working with a couples counselor or attending a marriage retreat empowers them with the communication tools to overcome hardships in their marriage. Other couples discover that their resentment has built up so much over time that their relationship is irreparable. While this realization can be painful, it is important to be honest about the fate of the relationship. If you notice signs of resentment in your marriage and you are willing to find resolutions and communicate effectively, it is possible to get your marriage back on track.
