Many couples are embracing the trend of a “sleep divorce”, which involves couples sleeping separately to improve the quality of their sleep. Whether sleeping in separate beds in the same room, or sleeping in separate bedrooms, a sleep divorce can substantially help with disruptions caused by snoring, apnea, insomnia, or just different sleep schedules. Some couples choose to sleep separately temporarily if one partner is nursing or co-sleeping with a young child.
While sleeping apart may improve sleep hygiene, many couples worry about how this may impact their sex life. This is especially so for couples who already find themselves in a sexless marriage. Is a sleep divorce an obstacle to reviving your sex life or is it still possible to get your sexless marriage back on track if you sleep in separate bedrooms? Let’s take a closer look.
Separate Bedrooms Make Sexual Encounters More Difficult
While it’s possible to work on improving your sexless marriage if sleeping apart, it might be a lot more difficult. Research on healthy sex indicates that there needs to be desire and opportunity. Desire grows out of your emotional connection. Opportunity is rooted in proximity. It’s far easier to initiate sex if you’re already in bed together. Sleeping with your partner is often a way to build both emotional and physical connection, even if it’s just spooning or talking. Opportunity and spontaneity are certainly diminished if partners are separated by a wall.
Find Ways To Connect With Your Spouse
If sleeping in the same bed is not possible or preferable, you’ll need to find ways and opportunities to connect since sexual encounters will be less likely to occur randomly. This may require you to be more deliberate and creative, but will be well worth the effort. Being more intentional about spending time together will help you get your sexless marriage back on track. You can think of it as a long distance relationship — it requires more coordination and planning but also allows you to fully enjoy each other’s company when you finally get to spend time together.
You may address this by synchronizing sleep schedules and choosing a night or two to begin in the same bed. And if evenings prove to be too difficult, consider whether there is more opportunity during the day. If your sex life has stalled because you only ever had sex at night, see if morning sex can reignite your spark.
Beyond the bedroom, find ways to connect by spending time together. I like to remind couples that foreplay is every interaction with your partner since your last sexual encounter. It can be anything from a flirty text to a relaxing massage. Pay attention to your partner’s preferred love languages to deepen your connection. Date nights, thoughtful gifts, and just about any expression of love and appreciation help partners reconnect, first outside of the bedroom, and eventually inside the bedroom too.
Sleeping Separately Can Sometimes Increase Desire
Sometimes sleeping apart actually increases desire for sex. There’s some truth to the saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” If you and your partner interfere with each other’s sleep by snoring, frequent bathroom runs, or other behaviors, then fewer of these unsexy distractions will not only get you better sleep but will also improve your mood. And that, in turn, can increase your desire for one another.
Find A Sleeping Arrangement That Works
Some couples choose to sleep separately during the week and together on weekends. If co-sleeping with infants or young children, set a goal for when to move the child into their own room. As with most things, you’ll need to strike a balance between getting good sleep and making space and time to maintain a healthy sex life. Talk with your spouse and find a sleeping arrangement that suits both your needs. Flexibility and cooperation leads to more sexual connection in the long run.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms does not doom your sex life. But it does create a need for you and your partner to come up with other ways and times to reconnect. This may be more challenging in an already sexless marriage or a temporarily sexless period in your relationship. By being more deliberate about the opportunities for physical contact, you may end up helping get your sexless marriage back on track.
