If it seems like you and your partner end up arguing every time you attempt to have a conversation, then it’s time to change how you communicate. It is deeply frustrating and ultimately unproductive to not be able to talk without an escalation. And while it can be tempting to lay most of the blame on your partner, healthy communication requires both of you to make an effort. You’ll each need to take turns speaking, listening, and keeping your tempers in check. With enough practice, any couple is capable of having calm and respectful discussions. Let’s take a closer look at how to communicate with your spouse without fighting.
It Takes Two
There’s an old adage that marriage should be 50-50, where each partner contributes to the relationship in equal measure to make it whole. But when it comes to healthy communication, the formula should actually be 100-100. Both partners must collaborate and share the responsibility fully. After all, if one person is making all the effort and the other person isn’t fully engaged, it’s unlikely you’ll have a satisfactory conversation or put an end to the cycle of fighting in your relationship.
The 3 Ingredients For Healthy Communication
There are 3 main features in healthy communication: Mindful speaking, active listening, and self-regulation. First, the speaker needs to communicate in a way that the listener can actually digest. This means the speaker articulates their thoughts clearly and respectfully. The speaker stays on topic, proceeds at a reasonable pace, and makes sure the listener is able to follow. If the conversation gets heated, it’s all too easy to get defensive and attack each other. This defensiveness comes from a perceived threat. So if it comes to that, you may need to take a different approach.
The listener needs to engage fully and listen. Don’t interrupt or take the spotlight. Give your partner the time and space to say what they need to say. Make sure the speaker feels heard. Sometimes it’s useful to reflect the message back to the speaker to make sure you heard them correctly. If you misunderstood, this will give the speaker a chance to explain. Hearing their words repeated back also helps the speaker feel heard and validated.
It is the job of both partners to stay calm and self-regulate during a conversation. If you notice things are getting more tense, take some time to cool off. Trying to continue a conversation when tempers flare will only make things worse. It’s ok to suggest a brief time out. It can be a 15 minute walk around the block or a few hours. Take enough time to gather your thoughts before continuing. Most importantly, respect your partner’s need to take a break even if you’re ready to continue.
Solution Talk Versus Problem Talk
Many conversations end in fighting if you focus on problems rather than constructive solutions. Problem talk involves blaming, shaming and rehashing old arguments. Solution talk is future-facing and goal-setting. It involves making a joint effort to solve problems in a respectful and productive manner.
Solution talk is often an acquired skill and may not come easily to everyone. Some couples opt for Solution-Focused Brief Couples Therapy (SFBCT) to learn this valuable skill. In one study, hundreds of couples who struggled with communication were observed in a lab during therapy interventions. As it turned out, couples who applied solution talk techniques stayed together. Couples who were stuck on problem talk remained unhappy or separated.
To further illustrate the point, consider the following example: If you bring your car to a mechanic and he gives you a list of problems or reasons for why things broke, that is not particularly helpful. At some point he has to actually fix what’s broken and get your car back on the road.
Like a good mechanic, see if you can identify the problem and then offer a solution. Don’t continue to rehash old arguments or dwell on what’s broken. Instead of saying “You never call when away on business” (problem talk) say, “In order to feel more connected when you’re away, I’d like to check in daily even if it’s a quick text…” (solution talk).
Positive Interactions Will Help You Communicate Without Fighting
According to research conducted by The Gottman Institute, the magic relationship ratio is to have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one. Think of every positive interaction with your spouse as making a deposit to your emotional bank account. If you maintain a surplus, small arguments stay small and are easily manageable. But if you’re in a prolonged deficit, every fight feels huge and insurmountable.
Make it a point to have plenty of good interactions much of the time. Complement each other, express your affection, and spend time together doing something you both enjoy.
Make your first interaction after time apart a positive one. This is another opportunity to build up positive feelings and reconnect. For example, after coming home from work, say something nice to your spouse first, rather than complain about your day or how messy the house is.
If your spouse is struggling with anger management or is easily triggered, deeper emotional wounds may be at play. People who are carrying childhood trauma are generally more easily triggered. These cases are harder to navigate on your own. Longstanding emotional wounds require more care that goes beyond learning healthy communication skills. If you or your spouse are dealing with profound emotional challenges, seek out professional support and begin your healing journey.
