Considering the deep pain, loss, and betrayal in the aftermath of an affair, it may seem like separation and divorce are the only viable options. In truth, most marriages, even sexless ones, are able to survive infidelity and grow stronger. Affairs are typically symptomatic of other underlying relationship issues. So if you’re wondering how to heal a sexless marriage after an affair, focus on repairing the lack of intimacy instead of getting stuck on the affair itself. When you deal with the root cause of the problem in your relationship, you stand the greatest chance of healing and thriving.
Affairs Are A Symptom, Not A Cause
Affairs rarely happen spontaneously. Most often, affairs happen when a partner feels the need to go outside the marriage for something they are not getting within the marriage. Usually, multiple attempts are made to meet one’s needs by their partner. If these needs are still unmet despite many tries, the risk of an affair begins to grow.
In a sexless marriage, there’s often a mismatch in desire between partners. If one partner longs for physical intimacy which their partner is unwilling or unable to provide, they may embark on an affair to satisfy their physical needs.
The same applies to emotional affairs. If there’s a lack of connection or emotional intimacy between partners, they may develop strong emotional bonds outside the marriage. Often this occurs with friends, coworkers, or other people within their broader social circle.
Like, Love, And Lust In Marriage
Three key ingredients in a healthy marriage are like, love, and lust. How much of each is right greatly depends on the couple. There’s no formula which applies to everyone. Also, there’s a bidirectional relationship between these components. Often you need more of one in order to have the other(s), and this can change over time.
Love is unconditional, even in hard times and in fighting. It is the unconditional best regard for someone else. Like is about trust, friendship, intellectual stimulation and emotional safety. Lust involves physical attraction and the desire for sexual fulfillment.
If your partner had an emotional affair, your relationship was probably missing the “like” factor. They might have been withholding sex because they need like before getting to lust. Here, the couple needs to nurture their emotional connection in order to begin healing.
In a sexual affair, many couples still like their partner, but find their sex life is not satisfying. This could mean it’s non-existent or just not what they want. So there’s a need for more lust to get to like. In this scenario, the couple needs to find ways to spice up their sexless relationship.
2 Case Studies: Sexless Marriage After An Affair
I recently worked with a couple who were trying to heal their sexless marriage after the wife’s affair. She was certain she could reignite her husband’s passion by being more sexy in and out of the bedroom. But despite spending a lot of money on lingerie, she wasn’t able to jumpstart their sex life.
In therapy, we discovered that she was trying to solve the wrong problem. Her husband was dealing with erectile dysfunction, and although he was attracted to his wife sexually, he was embarrassed by his physical limitations. When they dealt with the actual root cause, they were able to find a solution which worked for them both.
Another couple I counseled thought they were on the verge of splitting up. Their sex life had stalled after the birth of their twins and the husband was struggling with guilt after an emotional affair with a coworker. He thought that if he and his wife could just lead a more active life like what they enjoyed before the kids, they’d reignite their spark. So he got busy scheduling social activities, buying tickets to music and sports events, and even booked ski trips, which they enjoyed early in their marriage.
Although his wife appreciated his intention, she was overwhelmed by all the plans. All she wanted was more romance and quiet time together. She wanted their hectic lives to slow down so they could make space for connecting emotionally and sexually. Through counseling, both partners were able to communicate their wants and needs clearly and start building a better path forward together.
How To Heal A Sexless Marriage After An Affair
Healing a sexless marriage after an affair involves exploring the love-like-lust imbalance, addressing the root of the problem, and recalibrating. Addressing the affair is secondary, since it’s a symptom of deeper issues in your relationship. Many couples make the mistake of focusing solely on the affair and ignoring why the affair happened in the first place. This is a case of trying to solve the wrong problem.
If you’re struggling with the aftermath of an emotional or sexual affair, consider working with a couples therapist. They will help you focus on what’s broken in your marriage and give you the tools to reclaim it. LifeWise has helped hundreds of couples fix and improve their relationships. Learn more by scheduling a free consultation below.
