If your spouse cheated on you, you’ll likely experience a range of emotions like anger, sadness and helplessness. But bitterness after an affair can be the emotion that lingers longest. And bitterness will be the biggest obstacle standing in your way of moving past the betrayal. Infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over. Most couples are able to find ways to repair their relationship after an affair, and often grow even closer. Letting go of bitterness after an affair is the first step in the healing process. Finding the right support will be key in moving past resentment and on the road to recovery.
The Aftermath Of An Affair
The period of time after you learn about your partner’s affair isn’t easy. You will likely experience a range of intense emotions and worry about the future. This aftermath is a process which doesn’t necessarily have an end point. Stages of grief are not linear, so you’ll notice your emotions will bounce around up and down quite a bit. During the first month, it’s perfectly normal to be filled with anger and consider walking away from your spouse. But eventually rage will subside. After the first month, people’s experiences vary. There will still be anger, but also sadness and soul-searching.
Move Past The Details Of The Infidelity
You have every right to ask for details about your spouse’s affair to satisfy your curiosity. But there’s a caveat. Only do that 2-3 times so you can have the facts. Then, it’s time to stop asking and move forward. There will be more animosity in the relationship if you keep hounding your spouse. This will delay or hinder progress. Let go of the questions and focus your energy on healing.
Ask yourself what kind of marriage you want to have with your spouse. Then start figuring out what it will take for you to get there. With the bigger goal in mind, suss out the steps you’ll need to take in order to get there. You and your partner will need to reestablish trust, improve your communication, and increase the frequency of positive interactions over time. Strong emotional connection will help prevent infidelity in the future. Focus on working on these productive changes instead of dwelling on the affair itself.
Recognize Your Role In The Relationship
This is one of the hardest steps for a spouse who is feeling hurt and resentful after being cheated on. However, the fact is that affairs are usually not random acts. In truth, infidelity is the result of some dynamic between spouses. Reflect on your role in the relationship and whether your actions (or inactions) may have contributed to your partner going outside the marriage. The intention here is not to blame, but instead to allow you to recognize that you have the power to fix it and make it what you want.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
The best way to let go of bitterness is to not put your feelings in a box. Instead, find a way to process your emotion. Sometimes you can accomplish this by working on it with your partner. Other times you can do this through friends and/or a therapist. Do whatever is best for the relationship.
Processing your feelings with your spouse is more likely to work if he or she is empathic and accepting. However, if your partner is easily triggered, it will be harder to have the necessary conversations. Think about whether there’s some action you two can take together and how you can process anger in a safe and constructive way.
Consider which friends you can turn to for support. Be careful to not triangulate or risk creating an echo chamber. You may unintentionally build your friends’ resentment toward your spouse. Choose friends who can zoom out and take in a holistic picture. They should be fair, reasonable, and honest. Give them permission to be compassionate and play devil’s advocate.
And when processing feelings with others, remember the 90/10 principle which suggests that 90% of your triggers come from your cultural, religious or childhood histories. Only 10% of the issues you experience with your spouse are based on current conflicts. So be sure to take a closer look at how your background factors into your relationship.
Therapy Can Help You Let Go Of Bitterness After An Affair
Dealing with infidelity is difficult and painful. Therapy can support you and your spouse in the aftermath of an affair and help you avoid some common emotional landmines. When choosing a therapist, look for someone who will be fair and constructive. Some therapists can actually further harm your relationship by creating a dynamic of you both against your spouse. Avoid this at all costs. Here’s the litmus test: If you walk away from a therapy session feeling more resentful toward your spouse, find someone else to talk to. This is not the right person to help you process. At the very least, address this concern with your therapist and consider making an agreement that you will not discuss your relationship in individual therapy sessions.
Also think about getting couples counseling, especially if your spouse is unhappy. Individual therapy helps the individual. But when the marriage itself is in trouble, you must bring the marriage to therapy.
