Conflicts are bound to arise in any relationship, and especially in marriage. Each partner has their own opinions, sensibilities, and approaches to solving problems. Knowing how to resolve conflicts in marriage is key to managing disagreements and misunderstandings. When spouses can be mutually respectful and empathetic even when tensions run high, they have a far better chance to come to a reasonable resolution and move forward.
Unresolved conflicts in marriage have a snowball effect. Frustration and resentment build up over time and can lead to bigger problems, and possibly even divorce. If you have a tendency to avoid conflicts or are stuck in a cycle of fighting with your partner, it’s not too late to learn healthy ways of dealing with disagreements. Productive communication is one of the most effective ways to strengthen your relationship and safeguard it against divorce.
Unresolved Conflicts May Lead To Divorce
Some couples choose to ignore issues in their marriage and sweep them under the rug. While this may be fine to do occasionally, it is not a good solution for the long-term. Eventually, all the issues you avoid dealing with form a sizable lump under the rug which becomes harder to ignore and easier to trip over. This will only lead to other, often more serious issues in the relationship.
Most people who consider divorce have built up unresolved conflicts over many years or have had significant issues which presented earlier in the marriage. Major conflicts around children, finances or sex often raise questions of compatibility. Smaller issues that continuously pop up create further friction and resentment between spouses. Either way, these issues are not sustainable. Most couples assume that the only way forward is to divorce, but it doesn’t need to be. Learning effective ways to communicate and problem solve can save even a marriage that’s on the brink.
The 4 Pillars of Conflict Management In Marriage
Having worked with hundreds of couples who were considering divorce, I can confidently say that most couples can learn to resolve conflicts by applying one or more of the 4 pillars described below. These strategies, when applied prudently, can repair and revive struggling marriages.
1. Communication
Communication between partners should be authentic, honest, and compassionate. You may not be in agreement, but you should always be understanding. When you come into a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to understand your partner’s point of view, you’ll be better able to find a solution. Otherwise, you spend all your energy on fighting and leave little room for actually working on negotiating a compromise or resolution. This takes a toll on a marriage. You may even forget what it was like in better times and wonder how your marriage got so bad. Remember, you and your spouse are teammates, not opponents. Working toward the same goal requires openness and empathy from you both.
2. Healthy Sex Life
For some, a healthy sex life makes a difference, but this doesn’t work for all couples. A satisfying sex life can make other issues feel less significant. In general, this only applies to smaller, less consequential issues. Some couples fall into a pattern of having “make-up sex” after fights, creating a cycle where conflict becomes a means toward sexual intimacy. Sex can be a double-edged sword when it comes to conflict resolution, so it’s best to proceed with caution.
3. Self Regulation
In moments of acute tension or stress, you may experience a fight or flight response. Similarly, you may also freeze, fawn, tend and befriend as strategies to avoid dealing with the conflict head-on. This is the full scope of a stress response which tends to create escalations if not controlled. Usually, one spouse is triggered during an argument and engages a stress response, causing the other partner to become triggered and now both are in a stress response and the conversation will not go well.
At least one of you needs to be calm and grounded in order to make any progress. Ideally, both partners should be calm. The areas of your brain that handle strong emotions can easily override the more logical areas. This means that when you are highly emotional, you are likey no longer able to attend to your partner’s needs nor hear their words accurately. Ideally, you should be in a state where you can express emotions without emotional dysregulation. Many couples who end up divorcing have hyperactive stress responses and feel defeated, hopeless, and burnt out.
4. A Marriage Retreat
Attending a marriage retreat is the more efficient way to deal with the previous 3 pillars with therapeutic support. It’s a useful and effective tool for a difficult situation you may feel too overwhelmed to handle on your own. Traditional, weekly therapy sessions may stretch the healing process over many months or even years. It’s difficult to resolve big issues in small increments once a week.
On the other hand, a marriage retreat is ideal for couples who want to get to a resolution faster. The greatest benefit that an intensive counseling retreat offers is allowing the couple to focus and work on the issues until you reach a resolution over a few days. Think of it like going in for surgery – the surgeon will not stop until the procedure is done in full. They don’t attempt to repair the issue one chunk at a time over several months.
At LifeWise, we offer counseling and support for couples looking to learn how to resolve conflicts in marriage. Even when your relationship has been stuck in a negative pattern for months or years, know that it’s not too late to learn the necessary skills to manage conflict. If you’re struggling in your relationship and considering divorce, LifeWise is here to offer guidance and support every step of the way.
