Most couples feel like their marriage and love life become less exciting and fulfilling over time. It may seem like all the mysteries have been unlocked, all likes and dislikes are known. The partners have settled into a predictable routine with predictable outcomes. This is when people start feeling bored and angsty, and run the risk of marriage burnout. It’s like sitting down to the same meal over and over again.
If this describes your predicament, you’re probably looking for ways to spice up your marriage. Although sex is a big part of this, it’s not the only aspect of marriage that can be invigorated. A couple’s emotional bonds, attraction and interest in each other can also be boosted to keep your relationship fresh. Below are the most common ways couples can spice up their marriage and reignite their mutual spark.
Share Fantasies With Each Other
An effective way to re-energize your sex life is to have both partners share their fantasies with each other. If you’re not used to doing this, it may feel a little awkward at first. But fantasy is a perfectly normal and common part of our sexual lives, and is a great tool for maintaining a sexually passionate relationship.
Think about what turns you on or what you picture when you masturbate. Share this with your partner and discuss how you can incorporate this into your love life. You may need a particular setting (outdoors, candle-lit room, etc), sex toys, costumes, or whatever other props you need to turn your fantasy into reality.
This may turn out to be a great thrill or it may fall short of your vision, and that’s ok. If you find something that’s working, keep at it, and try new variations over time. And if something doesn’t work, try something else. Roll with it and have a good sense of humor about it. The process of exploration is what’s important to shake things up in the bedroom. Sometimes laughing about a failed attempt can create the same emotional connection as a wild night in bed.
Communicate What You DO Want (Not What You DON’T)
Sometimes saying what you don’t like is easier than determining what it is that you do like. But dismissing what’s not desired doesn’t help you nearly as much as identifying what you desire. Here’s what NOT to say:
“I’m so tired of our boring foreplay. It’s the same thing every time, and it doesn’t even do anything for me.”
Instead, articulate what you want to your partner, and better still, make it actionable. Here is one example:
“I’ve always been turned on by the idea of making love in water. I feel like it awakens all of my senses at once and is so relaxing. How about we go skinny dipping or try the hot tub?
Here’s another example:
“A fantasy I’ve had for a while is being picked up at a bar and being whisked off to a hotel room for a passionate night of lovemaking. Would you be interested in role-playing this with me on our next date night? We can get dressed up and pretend to be strangers at a hotel bar downtown. You can hit on me and we’ll flirt over drinks before renting a room for the night.”
Use Past Peak Experiences
Can you think back to a sexual experience you had with your spouse that was particularly exciting and satisfying? This is what therapists call a “peak experience”. What were the circumstances of this encounter? Was there something special about the locale? Did something in particular arouse your desire for each other? What were the major turn-ons of that experience? You can use this to guide you in your quest to spice up your marriage.
It’s worth noting that while you may not be able to exactly recreate your peak sexual experiences, you should be able to take specific elements and adapt them to your current life. This is where you and your partner can get creative. Enjoy and have fun together, and see what you can recreate and discover together.
Get Rid Of Distractions And Make Time For Each Other
There are a few things worse for your sex life than distractions and stressors. They take your attention away from each other and focus your energy on everything else. Our electronic devices are taking up more and more of our time and harming our well-being as well as our relationships. Kids, too, tend to get in the way. It’s difficult to keep your romantic life alive when you’re on parent duty day and night. While electronics and kids are here to stay, there are practical ways to disengage for a while in order to make space for your relationship and bring back your passion.
Turn Off Electronics And Turn On the Passion
Our phones, tablets, and computers are now a constant in our busy lives. We are always connected and accessible to our coworkers, friends and family. But downtime is needed now more than ever before. We need to rest our minds and bodies in order to be present. This will create the mental, emotional and physical space in our lives for our partners.
The phone will continue to tempt us, so it’s best to be deliberate about disconnecting. I advise clients to put away devices at least an hour before going to sleep. A sure way to keep to this is to keep devices out of the bedroom–that includes phones, tablets and TVs. A relaxing bedtime routine which is also good for your sex life may include drinking a glass of wine or tea with your partner, taking a relaxing bath, reading a book, or just talking. Without the constant distraction of electronics, you’re more likely to connect with your spouse.
Get Rid Of The Kids For A Night
A romantic weekend away or adults-only vacation is one of the best ways to spice up your marriage. But if this is not possible, a weekly date night with your spouse will work wonders for your marriage. Babysitters can be expensive or hard to find, so see if you can arrange for sleepover swaps with other families. One week you’ll host your kids’ friends at your house and next week the other family will host, giving you and your spouse a leisurely night off. This is a win-win arrangement for kids and parents alike.
Getting out of the house is like a pause button on the demands of family life. It doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive. Many couples find that taking an evening walk does wonders for them. Other couples meet for coffee or work out together after dropping the kids off at school. See where you can carve out a couple hours for each other.
Be Careful About Surprises
You may think your spouse will enjoy a new and unexpected experience, but proceed cautiously, as some partners may not react well to surprises. Even something seemingly innocuous or pleasant may not necessarily be welcomed. This is where good communication skills are essential. If you’re looking to try something new, discuss what you have in mind with your partner to make sure they are fully on board.
Be mindful that your partner may have different interests or energy levels. Your wife may not be excited about going to a noisy concert no matter how much she likes the band playing that night. Your husband may not be in the right mindset to spend a weekend away when his business is in flux. You may see a getaway as a pleasant distraction, but he may not want to step away when he’s needed to manage the crisis at work.
The best strategy is to approach your partner with a suggestion or two and be open and flexible: “I thought we could use a weekend away to relax and spend some quiet time together. My parents agreed to babysit and I found a couple cute inns by the ocean. Can I whisk you away some time this month?” This approach gives your partner time to consider and plan ahead. And chances are, you’ll have a better time together if you’ve both had time to adequately prepare.
The key to spicing up your marriage is to harness the power of positive communication. It’s an essential skill that will serve you and your partner well for many years to come.
