If you have no interest in sex after your partner’s affair, it’s perfectly normal. Likely, you’re still grieving the betrayal and break of trust. You probably feel disconnected from your spouse which tends to bring up sadness, resentment, and hopelessness. Moreover, you are in the midst of processing what happened and where to go from here. But if you feel ready to resume a sexual relationship with your partner after their affair and are not sure where to begin, this article offers a few suggestions.
Affairs Signal Unmet Needs
It’ll be beneficial to both you and your partner to understand why they had an affair to begin with. Research on affairs shows that people go outside their marriage for what you’re not getting inside. So an affair is typically a sign of sexual frustration that has been building up long from before the affair actually took place.
So, ask yourself what was that issue (or issues) before the affair and see if your partner agrees. Be honest about where your relationship was and what challenges you struggled with or ignored. Was there a mismatch in sexual desire? Was one of you interested in sexual activities in which the other partner had no interest? Remember that these issues may not necessarily be sexual in nature. Sometimes affairs happen because one partner doesn’t feel respected or appreciated.
I can’t stress enough that most marriages are able to survive infidelity. Recovery will take some time and effort, but it can be done. This is especially true if your relationship had a strong foundation from the start. With dedication from both partners in fixing what’s broken in their marriage, you can create a stronger, healthier relationship than what you had before.
Focus On Building Trust
For most people, in order to have a fulfilling sex life, it’s essential that partners trust each other. Sex involves a lot of vulnerabilities, both physical and emotional. Engaging sex requires comfort and trust in your partner.
In order to re-engage with your spouse sexually, you’ll need to slowly develop intimacy again. Learn to let go of bitterness after the affair and instead focus on building trust and emotional connection first. Spend time together and tend to each other’s needs. Be open and empathetic with each other as you build up your reserves of trust. Work on sharing more non-sexual activities which enrich your relationship. It could be as simple as cooking dinner together, setting up weekly date nights, or enjoying hobbies together like biking, gardening, or playing music. Good times together will build a strong foundation for sexual intimacy.
I should note that for some couples, a healthy sex life leads to emotional bonding, but usually the reverse is more true. Most commonly, mutual respect, trust and emotional connection paves the way for a satisfying sex life. A smaller percentage of couples build emotional intimacy through sexual activity. Consider which dynamic applies best to you and your spouse and do more of what works to bring you closer together.
Recreate Peak Experiences
Your peak experiences as a couple are examples of times when you felt the most connected, close, and sexually energized. Usually a couple’s peak experiences are clustered at the start of their relationship when they have the most fun and are most sexually active. If you feel disconnected from your partner, you can learn to reconnect by revisiting experiences and dynamics which brought you pleasure in the past.
See if you can identify a few experiences from your peak years and replicate them. You probably won’t be able to recreate these situations completely, but even coming close will work well. For example, if you and your partner were most connected and sexually charged when you traveled together, try to organize a night or two away. Just the two of you, without kids, work, or other distractions.
Increase Positive Sexual Interactions
Chances are you and your partner have had a lull in your sex life after the affair (and possibly before it too). If you want to work your way back up to an active and satisfying sex life together, you’ll need to increase positive sexual experiences.
Interactions in the bedroom should be positive and fun. Arousal can fluctuate in relationships. With some deliberate effort, desire can be rekindled and improved. Take some time to explore sexual experiences that you both find pleasurable. Even just holding hands while watching a movie can create positive energy between partners. It’s a good start in making your way back toward intimacy.
Still No Interest In Sex? Therapy Can Help
If you’re struggling to rebuild your relationship and heal after your partner’s affair, you may find it helpful to work with a therapist. While it’s possible for you to fix your relationship on your own, therapy typically helps you get there faster. Here at LifeWise, we’ve counseled hundreds of couples through affair recovery. I’m proud to say that we were able to recover most of these marriages and build them back to emotional sexual health. Learn more about our approach by clicking on the button below.
