Both women and men often ask me if it is normal to have intimacy issues during menopause. The short answer is: yes. Not only is it normal, but it is more common than not. But it’s not only menopause itself which affects intimacy. For women in their 40’s and 50’s, there are many additional stresses and experiences which come into play all at once: aging parents, midlife transitions, an empty nest, and so on. With so much going on, menopause is often just another annoyance on a growing heap of challenges. For many women, it’s the perfect storm; a convergence of issues which affect good sleep, self-care, and ultimately, her sex life.
Emotional Intimacy Issues During Menopause
Women can experience emotional and/or physical intimacy issues during menopause. Both can be a challenge for her, her partner, and their relationship as a whole. Women who struggle with maintaining emotional intimacy with their partner usually find it difficult to find time and energy to devote to the relationship. They may be distracted by work, children, and a variety of other responsibilities.
Stress, anxiety, and depression also tend to get in the way of emotional connection between partners. In some cases, women withdraw or shut down emotionally because they feel uncomfortable with their changing bodies. They may feel embarrassed or undesirable, and pull away from their spouse to avoid confronting unpleasant conversations or feelings.
Physical Intimacy Issues During Menopause
Issues around physical intimacy during menopause are often caused by hormonal fluctuations, vaginal dryness, and a range of other discomforts. In fact, research shows that menopausal women experience resurgences of some physical issues they thought were behind them such as chronic pain, insomnia, anxiety as well as other mental and physical health issues. As a result, sexual interactions may become unpleasant or even painful. The need for extra lubrication during intercourse may be a turn-off for some men. Some women experience arousal non-concordance, when emotional arousal doesn’t match what the body is showing.
Some menopausal women find that their sexual appetites actually increase. While this doesn’t seem like it should be a problem, it can become one if their partner’s desire decreases. It’s common for men’s libidos to decrease in middle age. Furthermore, about half of middle aged men experience erectile dysfunction. Mismatches in libido between partners are quite common yet difficult for couples to work through.
Sex Beyond Menopause
Many studies have found that couples with the highest sexual satisfaction are in their 60’s and 70’s. This shows that once couples work through the emotional and physical intimacy issues during menopause and middle age, they find their way back toward a gratifying sex life. The key finding is that these couples emphasize pleasure over performance. They seek out ways to still have intimate experiences even if their bodies are not behaving how they want.
Couples who enjoy being intimate with each other into their 60’s and 70’s are typically masterful communicators and are not afraid to find interesting ways to spice things up in the bedroom (or any other room in the house). There’s so much more to sexual expression than just intercourse.
Older couples who have maintained a strong connection learn to be creative in how they express their affection toward one another. They tend to roll with the punches, give space and readily shift the dynamic as necessary to keep intimacy alive. When the body slows down, accept that you’ll need to make some adjustments and that you don’t need to fix everything. Just being together and staying responsive to one another creates and strengthens intimacy before, during, and long after menopause.
Couples Therapy In Mid-Life
Most couples will experience some degree of intimacy issues in mid-life, both emotional and physical. Finding professional support and brushing up on relationship skills is usually highly effective to get couples through this transitional period in their lives. Therapy can help both partners bring focus back onto the relationship and one another. It can also help the couple sort out their priorities and goals. Most importantly, working with a therapist can help you get through sensitive topics and learn better ways to communicate with one another.
Whether you’re having a tough time with emotional or physical intimacy during menopause, couples therapy can provide the support you need to rebuild a connected, satisfying sex life. LifeWise has helped hundreds of couples reclaim their intimate relationships and build them back up better and stronger than before. We’re ready to help you each step of the way.
