A partner’s preference for porn over real sex can stir up feelings of rejection and even disgust. Your partner’s use of porn can be both a cause and a symptom in a sexless relationship. It’s a complicated issue. If your partner says he’s quitting porn so you can get your sex life back, it may help, but it may not fix the problem entirely. It all depends on why your partner uses porn in the first place. Let’s take a closer look at scenarios when porn causes issues within a relationship, when it can be a helpful tool for partners, and how to build a stronger sexual relationship overall.
When Porn Becomes A Problem
When men turn to porn instead of maintaining a sexual relationship with their partner, the marriage will most likely be harmed. Generally, porn causes an issue in marriage for 1 of 2 reasons:
- One partner prefers porn over real sex, leading to a loss in libido for their partner.
- Porn creates unrealistic expectations of the other partner or themself.
If either of these reasons applies to your relationship, quitting porn could help your love life. But there’s more work to be done. Try to understand why your partner turned to porn (and away from you) and what he’s getting out of it. Getting to the root cause and addressing it will help get your sex life back on track.
Perhaps your partner turned to porn while you were dealing with an extended illness and it became a habit. Or your partner is interested in fantasies or kinks in which you lack interest, or they are ashamed to discuss. You’ll need to address the underlying issues behind your partner’s preference for porn in order to reclaim your sex life.
4 Good Reasons For Using Porn
Not all porn is bad – or bad for your marriage. The bad reputation porn has is due to mainstream offerings which tend to be one-sided at best and misogynistic at worst. There is higher quality erotica, often female-produced, which women and couples may find enjoyable as a way to spice things up. Here are just a few examples of how porn can indeed help partners with their sex life:
- For people with a sheltered or religious upbringing, porn can play a role in educating them about a wide range of erotic possibilities.
- Masturbation can be helpful for people who have performance issues or feel shy about parts of their sexuality. Similarly, porn can be a way to enjoy a fetish someone is not ready to share with a partner. Ideally, fetishes should be integrated into the relationship. In this case, porn is fine on a temporary basis.
- Women with sexual trauma often feel more safe with porn/masturbation. Eventually, the goal is to bridge that into the partnership.
- Some couples watch porn together as fantasy or foreplay. When enjoyed together, it can invigorate their sexual relationship.
Reset Expectations Around Intimacy
Porn is staged and curated. Real sex is not. Even more important than quitting porn is for both partners to set realistic expectations about their sex life. This will ensure that you will not find yourselves stuck in a sexless marriage. Having some education around sexuality, health, and aging will help with these expectations.
Almost 50% of men experience erectile dysfunction after the age of 50. It’s understandable that men may turn to porn to avoid discomfort or embarrassment. Research has also found that after the age of 40, men require more emotional connection to sustain arousal. Consider expanding your definition of sex beyond penetration and experiment with other modes of sexual expression together.
One way real sex can trump porn is through a deep emotional connection between partners. Set aside time to be together and share experiences you both enjoy. It can be as simple as having a regular morning coffee date or finding an activity, sport, or hobby in which you can participate together. A strong emotional core will open the door for more sexual intimacy.
Therapy Can Help Get Your Sex Life Back
Quitting porn alone is not likely to help fix your sex life. Your partner may still have cravings if you don’t fix the underlying issues in your physical and emotional relationship. His giving up porn may make you feel better but it doesn’t fully solve the problem.
Therapy can help guide couples through the tricky and often sensitive topics around porn and sexuality. Couples counselors help you identify the root causes of your intimacy challenges. They’ll facilitate the dialog between you and your partner and teach you how to communicate without fighting and articulate your needs. A therapist will also help both partners set reasonable expectations around emotional and physical intimacy.
If you feel porn has harmed your relationship and are looking to reclaim a healthy, active and mutually fulfilling sex life, contact LifeWise to learn how we can help.
“Absolutely phenomenal work! The way you’ve broken down this complex topic while maintaining depth is impressive. Your expertise and research quality are evident throughout.”
Thank you for such kind words. We do try to make these topics interesting, helpful, and accurate. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.