When you desire intimacy but instead find yourself in a sexless relationship, it’s quite common to feel depressed and disconnected. A healthy sex life is one of the hallmarks of romantic relationships. Chances are you and your partner had a satisfying sex life at the start of your relationship like most couples do. That can diminish over time or as a result of stress, illness, or any number of emotional barriers.
The loss of sexual connection can make you depressed because you’re grieving for something you once had. Depression can also arise from feeling rejected, devalued, or helpless. Sadness or depression may make it difficult to believe you can fix this situation, but in truth, it’s possible to turn your sexless relationship into a sexful one. It requires some effort and patience, but it can be done. Let’s take a closer look.
What May Be Causing Your Depression
There may be lots of reasons for why you’re feeling depressed in a sexless relationship. The realization that your connection and passion are not as strong as before can be a let down. Grief and sadness can stem from the feeling that your marriage isn’t as solid as you thought.
Depression can also have a neurochemical component. With a healthy sex life, the brain releases endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine, often called “happy hormones”. Evolutionarily, sex creates a bond between partners and makes them feel committed and connected. This in turn builds intimacy and trust. Without sexual interaction, there are fewer happy hormones in circulation. Consequently, the bond between partners begins to deteriorate. This can become a vicious cycle of diminishing connection leading to feeling less inclined to have sex.
It’s important to point out that while a lack of sex can lead to depression, the opposite is also true. Sometimes underlying depression and anxiety can result in a sexless relationship. Folks with depression often experience anhedonia, a lack of interest in activities which previously brought joy. If you’re struggling with depression, know that you can get support from a therapist, physician or a trusted member of your community.
How To Fix It In 3 Steps
- As with most relationship challenges, start with lots of empathy. Leading with compassion ensures that you’re able to access the patience, understanding and constructive problem solving that is needed during the healing process.
- Next, acknowledge that people’s desires change over time. This is especially true for couples in long term relationships. To keep things passionate and exciting, you may develop new kinks or fantasies or at least want to explore some of these options. If you’re shy or embarrassed to share your desires, you may end up having less sex despite desiring passion and intimacy. Instead, take steps toward sharing your fantasies with each other. Decide whether it’s best to start slowly and build up more comfort or jump right in. Whatever your approach, maintain an open dialog about sexual preferences and interests and enjoy exploring them together.
- Lastly, revise your definition of sex to go beyond penetration because penetration may not always be available to you. As our bodies age, we may face any number of issues which may make sexual intercourse unpleasant or painful. Erectile dysfunction affects more than 50% of men over the age of 40. Women may experience discomfort or pain due to vaginal dryness and hormonal fluctuations during menopause.
Relearn how your body works in this season of life. Then redefine what a sex-full relationship would look like for you. Try just kissing and touching at first. Pretend you’re still in high school starting at 1st base and ease your way toward a homerun. Slowly add other intimate experiences and adjust your sexual repertoire based on what works for you. While some couples can jump straight to passionate intercourse, most need to slowly bridge the gap to reignite sexual passion.
Casey And Justin, A Sexless Relationship Case Study
I recently worked with a couple who provide an excellent example of how to fix a sexless relationship even after a very long dry spell. Casey and Justin (their real names have been changed to protect their privacy), both in their 50’s came to me for counseling. They had not been intimate with each other in over 10 years. They were full of resentment and felt emotionally disconnected. Casey and Justin no longer found each other physically attractive. They still loved each other and were good partners in other ways. Their question to me was, is there still a chance we can find our way back to a healthy sex life after all this time? My answer was: probably.
In therapy, they first worked on establishing a foundation of emotional connection. They begin just by opening up and talking to each other. Both felt heard and slowly integrated other intimacies like holding hands. They gave each other the time and space to rebuild their sexual connection after reestablishing strong emotional bonds. They spoke openly about their desires.
Things finally clicked for them once they committed time, focus, and effort toward rekindling their passion for one another. Just last week I was delighted to receive an update from Casey and Justin, who reported they are enjoying a mutually gratifying sexual relationship again. “Sex at 55 isn’t what it was at 25, but we feel like true partners again, in all the ways that matter to us.”
Couples Counseling For A Sexless Relationship
Sometimes fixing a damaged sexual relationship is too tough to do on your own. All too often it feels easier to ignore uncomfortable topics rather than face them head on. Working with a therapist can provide the needed guidance and motivation to reignite the spark between you and your partner. And if your struggles with depression affects your relationship, a therapist can provide the support you need. Everyone deserves to be in a happy and healthy relationship. An active sex life and emotional wellbeing is a big part of that for most couples.
