Finding out your spouse has been unfaithful is devastating, lonely and confusing. In the immediate aftermath, it’s hard to imagine that your marriage can endure. Despite the pain and betrayal, surviving infidelity is possible if you and your partner address the root cause of the affair and recommit to your relationship. Cheating itself is not usually the central issue. There is typically a deeper concern within the marriage which is the real problem. By identifying the root cause of the infidelity, you will be able to repair and even strengthen your relationship.
Infidelity Is A Symptom
Infidelity is a symptom and not the cause of a problematic relationship. It’s important to understand that marriage is a dynamic created by two people. Dynamics are fluid and adjustable. Infidelity may be the act of one spouse but it exists within the context of a relationship between both partners. When there’s a breakdown or mismatch in the dynamic between spouses, the likelihood of sexual or emotional infidelity grows.
Most spouses who cheat would rather connect with their partner than go outside of marriage. More often than not, they have tried to bridge that gap but have not been successful. It is only after trying and failing to address these challenges that a spouse may embark on an affair. Essentially, the affair takes place after a breakdown of communication between spouses. The partner who has the affair attempts to satisfy an unmet need outside the marriage which he or she is not able to satisfy within the marriage.
Most Marriages Can Survive Infidelity
Whether you like it or not, we live in a throwaway culture. This idea that we can easily reset, dispose, or trade up has affected people’s attitudes toward commitment and marriage. Starting over, even in relationships, sometimes feels easier than confronting difficult situations. But a strong marriage takes work and ongoing care. Moreover, marriage changes over time, as do the partners themselves. So spouses need to make adjustments along the way in order to maintain a healthy partnership.
Just because your marriage has been strained by an affair doesn’t mean it cannot be rebuilt. Humility, open communication and a strong foundation are some of the signs that your marriage will survive infidelity. The reality is that if you can bring vulnerability and openness into marriage, it creates a synergy that you can’t easily get with external partners. This is especially true if your marriage was built on a solid foundation of respect, trust, commitment and love. So don’t dismantle your marriage solely because of infidelity, no matter how hurt you are. Instead, focus on repairing, reviving, or reinventing your relationship to give it another chance to blossom.
Heal Your Relationship By Addressing The Root Cause
The best way to heal your marriage after an affair is to take time to figure out the root cause which led to the affair. This will require both partners to commit to working on repair and prevention.
Most often, the root cause is a mismatch in sexual desire, emotional disconnect, or issues around mental or physical health. Other common causes of infidelity are boredom, neglect, and unresolved trauma. Whatever the issue, it will be rooted in the dynamic between both partners, not something external to the relationship.
Once you establish the root cause of the breakdown of your relationship, take steps toward mending it. Listen to each other, prioritize time together and work on rebuilding trust. If you’ve neglected each other’s physical or emotional needs, find ways to be more attentive more often. If your sexual appetites are misaligned, see what adjustments you and your partner can make so the experience can be mutually satisfying. Whatever the root cause, your goal after an affair is to address unmet needs and re-engage with each other. This will not only fortify your marriage but will also prevent future affairs by strengthening your emotional connection.
Affair Recovery By The Numbers
Research has shown that surviving infidelity is possible when both partners commit to the process. Recent studies have shown that up to 75% of couples who work on improving their marriage after an affair end up being happier and feeling closer than during the years preceding the affair. When you recommit to each other, heal old wounds, and nurture your relationship, your marriage grows stronger.
Another noteworthy statistic is that second marriages fail more often than first marriages. This is especially true if you marry your affair partner. People tend to carry baggage from their first marriage into their second. Problematic habits and patterns will show up again and again unless you address them.
Not All Marriages Are Built To Last
Some couples will not be able to fully recover after an affair, even after making a sincere effort to do so. In these situations, working with a couples therapist can be helpful whether or not you decide to stay together. A therapist may be able to guide you through sensitive conversations or particularly difficult obstacles, getting you back on the road to recovery. If you decide to split up, a counselor will help you put together an effective separation plan. While surviving infidelity is possible, it can be tricky. Get the professional support you need for a smoother process. To learn more about our affair recovery services, click on the button below.
